An Open Letter to the Ones Living With a Reactive Dog

Dear pet parent,

If you are already here, I know you are already tired and looking for some hope. Maybe you are holding the leash in one hand and you breathe in other pray your dog won’t lunge at the next noise, shadow person or squirrel. Maybe you have had those moments too, when you are standing on the side of the road and someone glares at you like you have failed or you have committed some crime. Maybe you have been. Also yelled at by someone, “hey! control your damn dog!” And it fits you harder than it should because you already trying with every fiber of your being.

Living with a reactive dog has been the most humbling, painful and healing experience of my life. And I would be honest with you, It has been the most enlightening journey of my life where I found myself.. My journey began when I adopted my current Dog, Just one and a half months after losing my sole dog, who had been my companion, my friend and my heart with a pastor 10 years. People judged me for that decision. They said it was too soon, that I didn’t breathe long enough. But what no one saw was how broken I was. Grief had hollowed me out and I was trying to do survive not to replace.

Initially when she was around two and a half months of age, it was like any other normal puppy. She was playful. We go out, she would not react to anything. But what’s with curiosity? Even other dogs like you are in the same training routine. But since she hit the age of seven months, it started gradually showing the signs of reactivity. Initially, it was, Just reacting to, Other dogs or just getting started by sudden noise like Thunder or crackers. For the start, I really believe that I finally found peace in the second chance. But everything changed eventually and it hit us like a tidal wave which I was not prepared for.

Suddenly she was barking, lunging, growling at things she used to ignore, and I shut down. I stopped going on walks, I avoided parks and I began crossing streets to avoid people. My anxiety, already fragile, becomes spiraling. The comments from other pet parents were started to hurt me and I totally stopped talking to them. Every time someone called her aggressive or a bad dog, I felt like a dagger because I knew they didn’t understand her and worse, I started believing That maybe I’m not doing enough for her.

I remember reading a line from Mine! A Practical Guide to Resource Guarding in Dogs by Jean Donaldson, “Today, societal expectations of dogs are disproportionately high, demanding they never show aggression while also expecting them to protect their owners and possessions.” This made me stone cold and made me think, doesn’t society expect the same from pet parents as well? As owners, we are expected to have well behaved dogs polite in public, silent in apartments, friendly with strangers, calm in chaos.

When they’re not, we’re immediately judged, labeled as bad owners, overwhelmed, weak. But no one sees the behind the scene, the therapy, the training builds the hours of research to sleep late night at the crying in bathroom floors. Helping my reactive dog became my mirror, which showed me a part of myself that I had buried: my social anxiety, my fear of confrontation. The panic I carried silently since my childhood, and I started to realise that managing her triggers meant managing mine too. I understood that her reactivity doesn’t only reflect her fear, but it also magnifies my anxiety.

I am writing this for anyone who feels like giving up and who’s being told that their dog is too much. I want you to know through this article, that I’ve learned how my Reactive Dog has helped me change my perspective on seeing the world triggers and to understand A way to manage my anxiety. If you read. To the end of this article you will get to know how I managed my anxiety with the help of my reactive talk and how it gave me the confidence that I lost once.

What Does “Living With a Reactive Dog” Really Mean?

They say every walk with the dog is a chance to breath, to unwind. But what if every work feels like stepping into a battlefield? Living with a reactive dog is not just about barking or lunging, its about living under A, constant cloud of unpredictability. It’s not aggression or its disobedience, it’s fear and overt stimulation. Which affects the nervous system overtime in a world that’s too loud, too fast or too much for dog.

I remember this one day like it was tattooed on my heart that we had just returned from what I thought was a successful work. For the first time in a day, in days, I felt calm and proud on myself and my dog. But all my calmness just flew away like a bird. When I just about to approach my front door, My neighbor, my neighbor with her tiny shih tzu dog appeared. My dogs saw their little tiny sheds, and before I could blink, she lunged and barked fiercely.

The least burned in my hands. My heart dropped, and the neighbour started yelling, calling her aggressive, saying I had no control, and asking why I even own a dog like that. That moment destroyed me, destroyed my Little peace in my mind that I gained after so many days. While I was trying to manage my dog’s reactivity, I was also battling with my mounting anxiety. And the shame? It was heavier than her pull.. The truth is, dogly activity and owner anxiety often exist in a silent, painful look.

What I found while reading Ana Maria Barcelos et al. (2024) is that behavioural issues in dogs are directly linked to an owner’s increased stress, caregiver burden and frustration, leading to symptoms of depression and anxiety. Here, my story is nothing new as many of us as pet parents are going through the same pain every day.

Eventually, I started understanding that a reactive dog responds excessively to stimuli that could involve a child laughing, falling down,or running. Even when a jogger is running, doing their own work, a car is passing and cycling. These are not bad dog behaviors, but these are dogs operating in a constant state of arousal and fear, struggling to regulate themselves. The triggers might be obvious or sometimes invisible to us, or sometimes we are not able to see it as a trigger, as our reactive dog is seeing it.

What most people fail to understand is how living with a reactive dog effects mental Wellness and reactive dog parenting at the same time. As Turid Rugas writes in Calming Signals, the Art of survival, Dogs, like people, communicate their stress long before they explode. We just have to learn to see them. And when we fail to notice their signs, they fail with us, and that failure becomes our to carry.

You know what hurts the most? Its not the barking or the sudden reactiveness, but it’s being judged. Specifically being judged by the same pet parents. Who you expect to understand your situation? Not one sees the dog behavior issues for what they are, A neurological disobedience, not a disobedience. Most don’t know that dog anxiety training isn’t a quick fix, but it’s a matter of patience, science observations and, above all, empathy.

So many Reactive Dog parents stay silent. They avoid parks. They walk in early hours, they stop socializing. I did all of that. The stress when walking a reactive dog becomes a spiral and I’d leave the house canning for possible triggers. I still do. My heart would pound before if we even reached the gate. Some days I wouldn’t go at all.

And here’s something that. No one talks about. Hot dogs mirror our emotions. As Grisha Stewart explains in Behavior Adjustment Training 2.0, the humans own emotional state plays a huge role in a dog’s reaction. When I was anxious, I remember Seeing a sudden change of heaviness and anxiety in my dog as well. When I breathed slower, she softened. When I was confident, she walked confidently, and I could make her listen to my commands more effectively than before.

So here is a question, How do you control your own anxiety when walking a reactive dog? Honestly, you Don’t. Not at first, just like me, I was overwhelmed, defensive and ashamed. But since I started researching obsessively, I understood the ways, techniques and tricks to manage my anxiety while helping my reactive dog. I discovered that self care for reactive dog parents isn’t indulgent, but it’s survival. Just like my dog needed a decompression walk, I needed a mental decompression too.

Books like Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryor and Mine! by Jean Donaldson help me understand positive reinforcement threshold and emotional safety. While reading these books, I observed and felt that today’s societal expectations of dogs are disproportionately high. While they demand that they never show aggression, but also expect them to protect their owners or possessions. Like I’ve gone through these double standards each and every day living with the reactive dog.

How Living With a Reactive Dog Impacted My Mental Health?

If you ask me what its like living with a reactive dog. I won’t just tell you about leash pulling, leash reactivity or barking. But I’ll tell you about the quite emotional collapse that begins before a walk. I’ll tell you about nights where I stood, frozen at the door, leash in hand, heartbeat in my ears, negotiating with my own fear.

I do get questions sometimes, ‘ Can dogs cause anxiety in their owners? Or how do you stay calm when walking a reactive dog? And though I never thought I’d be one of those dog parents who’d have to Google these things, there I was. The answer is absolutely yes. Living with a reactive dog amplified my stress, exposed my insecurities, and forced me to confront the emotional landscapes I had buried deep inside.

According to Ana Maria Barcelos et al., (2024), Owners of dogs with behavior issues often report higher levels of stress, guilt and social isolation compared to those with well behaved pets. I felt every bit of that, especially the guilt when someone called her aggressive, when I couldn’t control her outburst, or when I thought, what if I failed her?

But something changed one evening when I was introspecting about taking some steps to address dog reactivity and owner anxiety, and I thought of training my leash-reactive dog. It was going all well as we were training and my dog was significantly responding to my commands, until one of my neighbours appeared out of the blue. He started accusing me angrily, saying Your dog is dangerous, I can hear her barking all the time, and she should be muzzled.

If itwere old me, I would have shut down, would have taken my dog and walked away ashamed, hurt or angry. But this Time. I stood up with calmness and firmly asked, Have you seen my dog making any dangerous moves or has my dog has harmed you in any way? He had no answer. I did not panic, I did not feel ashamed, but I was standing up for my dog and for myself.

In that moment, I realized that I have not only been training my dog, but I was finally starting to train myself too. That encounter ended surprisingly warmly when he softened asks my dog’s name, even smiled. But the shift had already happened within me, and it wasn’t just about standing up for my dog, but it was about showing her what safety looks like.

That day I Realized stress management for dog parents has an utmost importance, As it aligns with what, Turid Rugas Has explained in her calming signals the art of survival. She highlighted how our body language and inner emotions directly influence canine communication reaction. I had unknowingly been telling her through my stress that we were never safe.

So if you ever have questions like how to manage stress when walking the reactive dog or how can I help my reactive dog without breaking down? Remember this, Juliane Bräuer et al. (2024) supported that you need to start on your own self first, as dogs can sense their owners’ shifting energy way faster than we’ve even realised.

You can read our other article on reactivity: Understanding Reactive Dogs: 7 Lessons I Learned After Losing My First Dog

Self-Care for Reactive Dog Parents: Becoming the Human My Dog Could Trust

1. I Started Communicating with My Dog Before Any Trigger Happened

Once I recognise my dogs reactivity, not as aggression, but as a fear driven response, I began communicating calmly, even before triggers appear. Whenever she pulled or launched a gently stood my ground and used simple verbal cues like steak, its ok or no Raju began matching my relaxed body language and walking beside me instead of pulling it. Over time, she reacted to trigger such as bikers, dogs or cars with less barking and more composure. The shift wasn’t just about training. It was about managing my own stress and fostering calmness while handling a reactive dog.

This behaviour shift aligns with the principles of behaviour adjustment, training (BAT 2.0) By Grisha Stewart, who emphasises empowering dogs to make better decisions through gentle guidance and controlled exposure. I also started managing my own stress, because dogs mirror us. When I state count she stayed calm and vigilant. Which The first time, I realised that helping my reactive dog was Also helping my anxiety.

Positive reinforcement for drug training supported the behaviours that was seen as a change while lowering stress related sign in my blog, like vocalising or cooling compared to the abhorsive methods that I was looking forward before. Walking a reactive dog while maintaining my own emotional control helps reduce my ear reactivity and mine by reinforcing trust, emotional growth and close bonds.

2. I Finally Took My Mental Health Seriously

When anxiety spiralled, I took two old days off, unplugged and rested with her quietly, prioritising the concept of self-care with reactive dogs. That retreat allowed me to regain composure. I could think planned breathe again. It’s well documented by Barcelos et al., (2024) that caregiver burden from dog behavioural issues increase stress and fatigue in owners. Stepping back wasn’t a failure, but it was strength. That cause help me return with a calmer mindset to get equipped to reduce anxiety with reactive dog training and to protect both our peaces.

3. I Built Emotional Boundaries and Reinforced Them Like a Leash

Learning to advocate for myself calmly, but calmly, saying, I’m ok. My dog is safe. Teaches both me and her emotional boundaries. ….. Highlighted in their study that with reactive dog owners, situational control and boundaries need too emotional resilience. I replaced internal feared loops with affirmations like We are safe. We are not doing anything wrong. My dog is not a bad dog Teaching her the right behaviour is my responsibility. People are not aware of her issues. These mental cues became lifeline for me while studying tools during triggers, reducing my stress when walking the active block and strengthening are bond.

4. I Let Go of the Need to “Fix” Everything

Another thing I understood why going through all of this, that my dog was not broken. She was just scared and instead of striving to the concept of fixing her, I embraced empathy, adjusting tone, patience and controlling my own anxiety. Hart and King, (2023) stated that emotional landscapes in reactive dogs respond better to positive reinforcement than harsh corrections. By softening my collections and celebrating small surfaces, she responded faster. Settle quicker, and we both felt Seen. That mindset shift to nurture emotional growth for both the dog and the handler.

You can read our other article on leash reactivity: Managing My Leash Reactive Dog: 11 Proven Ways I Reduced Leash Reactivity

5. I Talked to Behaviorists Who Taught Me About Myself

When I finally reached out to behaviourists. I thought the focus would only be on fixing my reactip dog instead. Some of them ended up teaching me more about myself than about her. Yes, a few asked The usual questions like had she beaten anyone? Can I control her on a leash? But one who truly changed me were the ones who explained why the activity happens. This explanation does not only include The scientific reasons but also Very ignorant but important aspects of reactive dogs that we often fail to recognise in our daily lives.

They reminded me it wasnt admission, but fear, stress and survival skills that comes out as a behaviour looks different than usual. I can surely ensure that I resonated with the court by Greasea Stewart’s behaviour adjustment training. 2.0 where she wrote ‘dogs, like people, need the change to make good choices in safe environments’. This had clearly Help me clear the fog And idealised that I wasn’t giving myself that same grace. Talking to them help me understand my own anxiety fed into hers and Also directedly towards other right direction, where I wasn’t only needed to focus on her training, but mine specifically mental training.

6. I Learned What Triggers Really Mean — For Me and My Dog

At first I thought triggers were really just things that made my dog bark. For some time, I started avoiding those triggers and Only take her outside When there is no one always thinking in my mind and praying to God that no one should come in this time. But living with a reactive dog showed me there was so much deeper and How I need to Back with my fear While pushing them hard backwards.

I started paying more attention to the Way she gets triggered and It has tremendously helped me increase my senses where I could Sends any trigger coming from different directions.. When she launched a sudden sounds, I realised I did the same insight when someone judgmental commented pierced me. While leading to the Durga is coming signals, the art of survival, I observed dog show stretch signals long before they explode. We only need to learn to see them. I straight went by those words And it helped me change how I look at both of us. A triggers weren’t warnings of aggression, but they were called for help.

7. I Created a New Routine That Protected Both Our Peace

One of the hardest lessons I learnt while living with a reactive dog was that routine isn’t just about feeding and walking times. It’s about creating predictability and safety for both of us. Before our days felt chaotic, I take her out whenever I found the courage, scanning the streets for triggers already anxious before stepping off. She mirrored that fear instantly. Most importantly, I stopped thinking about what people would think or say.

Instead, I chose quieter hours, like early mornings and mapped calmer routes along with consistency within the routes. Slowly, the tension between us softened. And we could do more closer as the bond Grease dongler than before 9 what to expect and How to connect with her.

8. I Started Brain Training Myself on My Confidence

Before I started living with a reactive dog, I had no idea how owning a dog could change my mental state and help me find my new strengths. Every time I stepped outside with her, I carried panic in my chest, the fear of being judged, the shame of her lunging, the weight of people calling her “aggressive.” It was exhausting. So I started something new; I trained my own mind.

Every morning before a walk, I reminded myself, “My dog is not bad. We are not doing anything wrong. I can stand my ground. My dog is not aggressive, but she is fearful” It felt silly at first, but over time, these affirmations became my shield. Barcelos et al. (2020) note that caregiver stress in reactive dog owners often mirrors the dog’s behaviour, creating a cycle of anxiety, and by changing my inner dialogue, I broke that cycle. With each small success, my confidence grew and so did hers.

What Actually Helped Me (and Might Help You Too)

Living with a reactive dog taught me more about anxiety management, patience, and emotional balance than any self-help book ever could. Along the way, I found a few practical tools, courses, and books that genuinely helped both my dog and me build confidence and calm. These are the things that worked for me verywell and might help you too.

1. Positive Reinforcement Tools & Courses

Clicker Training Kit – This was a game-changer in timing rewards during calm moments. It helped me create positive associations with triggers instead of fear.
Get the Clicker Training Kit here

Online Reactive Dog Course – I personally took Grisha Stewart’s BAT 2.0 online modules, and they completely changed how I saw my dog’s reactivity. Understanding her body language and stress signals reduced both her tension and my own anxiety.
Explore the BAT 2.0 Course

🍖 High-Value Treats – Small, delicious rewards like freeze-dried liver or soft cheese treats helped redirect her attention during walks. They became our secret tool for calm and focus.

Shop My Favourite High-Value Treats

What Didn’t Help (and Why)

If you’re living with a reactive dog, you’ve probably already tried a lot of advice; some good, some that made things worse. I learned the hard way that not every “popular” method or gadget works, especially when anxiety is part of the equation for both you and your dog. Here’s what didn’t help us, and why.

1. Punishment-Based Training Methods

Early on, I thought using firm corrections or “alpha” methods would stop her reactivity faster. Instead, it only heightened her fear and my guilt. These methods might suppress the behavior for a while, but they don’t heal the cause of reactivity.

2. Flooding and Overexposure

I used to think more exposure to triggers (like walks near traffic or other dogs) would “toughen her up.” In reality, it only increased her stress levels and made walks unbearable. Reactive dogs need controlled desensitization, not forced exposure.

3. Comparing My Dog to “Normal” Dogs

Social media made this harder than I expected. Seeing calm dogs at parks or cafés made me feel like I was failing as an owner. But every reactive dog has a unique story and nervous system, progress looks different for each one.

4. Ignoring My Own Stress Levels

This one was huge. I didn’t realize how much my own anxiety was fueling hers. Dogs mirror our nervous system, so when I tensed up during walks, she did too. Learning mindfulness and grounding techniques (and even slow breathing) helped us both regulate better.

5. Expecting Overnight Results

Reactive dog training isn’t a quick fix, it’s a relationship rebuild. For months, it felt like we were moving in circles. But reactivity reduces in layers, not leaps. Once I accepted that healing takes time, both of us started to relax.

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